MOVING FORWARD IN HOPE: February 10, 2013

...God appeared to Solomon in a dream: God said, "What can I give you? Ask."

"Here's what I want: Give me a God-listening heart so I can lead your people well, discerning the difference between good and evil. For who on their own is capable of leading your glorious people?" God, the Master, was delighted with Solomon's response. And God said to him, "Because you have asked for this and haven't grasped after a long life, or riches, or the doom of your enemies, but you have asked for the ability to lead and govern well, I'll give you what you've asked for--I'm giving you a wise and mature heart. There's never been one like you before; and there'll be no one after. As a bonus, I'm giving you both the wealth and glory you didn't ask for--there's not a king anywhere who will come up to your mark. And if you stay on course, keeping your eye on the life-map and the God-signs as your father David did, I'll also give you a long life." (1 Kings 3:5, 9-14, MSG).

Living God:

Thank you for being real and eternal! I bow before You to offer my praise and worship.

Forgive me, O God, for my sins. Lately, I have allowed disappointment and frustration to overthrow my joy, hope and peace. Cleanse my heart and filter out anything that is not like You. Pour the fruit of the Spirit into my heart; satisfy me with more of You!

Lord, I ask that you help me govern myself according to Your statutes. Let my lifestyle demonstrate an undying love for You. Give me an optimistic perspective that will sustain me as I wait for my wins. Give me the strength to combat "arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of" You, and help me "take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ." (2 Corinthians 10:5, NIV). Increase my discernment, enhancing my ability to decipher what is good and evil. (1 Kings 3:9, MSG). May my commitment to You overthrow the temptation of sin.

This year, I desire to move forward in hope. Instill within me an unwavering confidence in Your promises. Let my actions be proactive and purposeful, being totally obedient to You, following the life path You have cleared, alert and attentive to everything You have made plain this day. (1 Kings 8:61, MSG).

As I move forward in hope, remind me daily that You, my God who has called me into fellowship with Your Son Jesus Christ my Lord, are faithful. (1 Corinthians 1:9, NIV).

In the name of Jesus...AMEN.

The LORD is faithful to all his promises and loving toward all he has made. You open your hand and satisfy the desires of every living thing. (Psalm 145:13, 16, NIV).

WAIT FOR THE WIN

It is right to pray for a sign of God’s goodness. As David found, it may be just what we need. But let us not overlook the signs he has already given, the support of family and friends, the fellowship of other Christians, the light of each new day. And we can be confident that he knows our situation no matter how desperate it becomes, and he cares. (Psalm 86:17, NIV Application Notes).

Q: God, how long must I wait for what I want?

A: “Be still, and know that I am God . . . .” (Psalm 46:10, KJV).

Q: God, You know I'm not getting any younger, I didn't think I'd be waiting this long?!

A: Since before time began no one has ever imagined, no ear heard, no eye seen, a God like Me who works for those who wait for Me. (Isaiah 64:4, MSG).

Q: Surely I'm not asking You to do something that's outrageous and out of your scope of work, so what's the holdup?

A: But I'm not finished. I'm waiting around to be gracious to you. I'm gathering strength to show mercy to you. I take the time to do everything right--everything. Those who wait around for Me are the lucky ones. (Isaiah 30:18, MSG).

Q: Okay, but my friends and relatives got what they wanted years ago, don't You think it’s about time for me to get what I want?

A: I know what I'm doing. I have it all planned out—plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for. When you call on me, when you come and pray to me, I'll listen. When you come looking for me, you'll find me. Yes, when you get serious about finding me and want it more than anything else, I'll make sure you won't be disappointed. (Jeremiah 29:11-13, MSG).

Q: Well, why does it appear that my enemies have everything they want?

A: Be still before ME and wait patiently for Me; do not fret when people succeed in their ways, when they carry out their wicked schemes. (Psalm 37:7, NIV).

Q: I know I am not perfect. I also know that I seek You daily, I read Your Word, I study Your Word, I practice Your Word, I'm a vehicle of compassion, and I pray for others. Don't I qualify to receive what I desire?! Uuuuugh . . . I'm tired of waiting!

A: Why would you ever complain, . . . saying, "God has lost track of me. God doesn't care what happens to me"?

Don't you know anything? Haven't you been listening?

I don't come and go. I last. I am the Creator of all you can see or imagine. I don't get tired out, I don't pause to catch My breath. And I know everything, inside and out. I energize those who get tired, give fresh strength to dropouts. For even young people tire and drop out, young folk in their prime stumble and fall. But those who wait upon Me get fresh strength. They spread their wings and soar like eagles, they run and don't get tired, they walk and don't lag behind.  (Isaiah 40:27-31, MSG).

God, there are moments when I get so anxious about my future, I start grumbling. Considering my résumé and credentials, I believe I should've already achieved certain milestones. I get so caught up in thoughts of where I think I should be, I don't give my entire attention to what You're doing right now. (Matthew 6:34, MSG).

Forgive me, O Lord, for being impatient and prideful. Please accept my sincere apology for not always respecting Your authority over my life. I know I shouldn't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow" and I am truly sorry for not honoring Your timeline. (Matthew 6:34, MSG). When I'm frustrated and life is challenging for me, please remind me to go off by myself. Enter the silence. Bow in prayer. Don't ask questions: Wait for hope to appear." (Lamentations 3:28-29, MSG).

God, I appreciate our conversations. Like Abraham, I can approach You and we can engage in a Q & A session.  Life is good because You show me "that asking for anything is allowed, with the understanding that" Your answers come from Your perspective. (Genesis 18:33, NIV Application Notes).

LORD, I am serious about finding You and I really do want it more than anything else! (Jeremiah 29:13, MSG). While I wait for my win, strengthen my faith and remind me that life is abundant because You reward those who earnestly seek You. (Hebrews 11:6, NIV). While I wait for my win, let me acknowledge all of what You are doing for me right now, and let me be grateful.

While I wait for my win, I wait for YOU, my whole being waits, and in Your Word I put my hope. (Psalm 130:5, NIV).

In the name of Jesus Christ...AMEN.

WORDS OF ENCOURAGEMENT

Calm down & stop fidgeting! God heard you at Question 1 and replied.

God is working; remain confident & expect to be wowed by God!

That is why waiting does not diminish us, any more than waiting diminishes a pregnant mother. We are enlarged in the waiting. We, of course, don't see what is enlarging us. But the longer we wait, the larger we become, and the more joyful our expectancy. Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God's Spirit is right alongside helping us along. (Romans 8:24-26, MSG).

THE VALLEY - Chapter Two

Turn to me and be gracious to me, for I am lonely and afflicted. Relieve the troubles of my heart and free me from my anguish. (Psalm 25:16-17, NIV).

From Spring 1999 to Spring 2003, I lived in Missouri's capital city. During that four-year timeframe I accomplished great things professionally, scholastically & community-wise. However, my personal life was terribly lonely and I felt miserable. My closest friends were miles away. I had to drive 2 hours to get to the nearest metropolis (and international airport). The social scene for a twenty-something single in Jefferson City was mundane. The dating pool was the size of a puddle. When it was feasible, I took advantage of every opportunity to escape small town USA.

By Spring 2003 I loathed living in Jefferson City, Missouri. I became so disgusted with my personal life that I spiraled into a deep depression. I hated going to work. I hated going to church. I hated going to sorority meetings. I hated doing community service. I hated talking on the phone. I hated life. I hated my existence. Life in Missouri was M-I-S-E-R-Y!

Loneliness wrecked my outlook so much that I desired to end my life. I no longer wanted to breathe. I'd look at paintings and wish I was an inanimate object whose sole purpose was to beautify an empty space on a wall. I preferred dying prematurely than having to live one more day in a godforsaken town with limited social outlets. I strongly believed that any progressive twenty-something single would:

• feel melancholy not being able to fellowship with close friends on a routine basis;
• be miserable shopping at a mall whose name was Mall; and
• feel dejected being able to count on 1 hand the number of singles available to date.

I knew moving to Jefferson City would be a lifestyle adjustment. But, I figured having familial roots there would help me acclimate. Having survived 4 years in Jefferson City didn't matter at my lowest point. I was prepared to die if the opportunity to permanently move away from a state of Missouri didn't reveal itself posthaste.

My life was challenging because loneliness triggered destructive thoughts of hopelessness. My heart was so troubled that I actually believed suicide was a sensible solution to my anguish.

Unbeknownst to me, life was good in the midst of my turmoil. When loneliness engulfed me, I read God's Promises For Your Every Need, and sought comfort in the scriptures focused on What To Do When You Feel Lonely and What To Do When You Feel Depressed:

• Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness. (Isaiah 41:10, KJV).
• I will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you. (John 14:18, KJV).
• The righteous cry, and the LORD heareth, and delivereth them out of all their troubles. (Psalm 34:17, KJV).

While I was hell-bent on taking my life, God (through the Holy Word) was unrelenting about saving my life.

Life is abundant because I'm alive today to share my testimony. My first and only suicide attempt occurred on a Saturday afternoon. Sobbing intermittedly, I sat down on my staircase and proofread the letter to my family. Before I could figure out the method of my demise, my thoughts were befuddled.

Where should I...?

How should I...?

What will this do to my family?

Today, I have no doubt that the Holy Spirit intervened within a matter of seconds on that Saturday afternoon. Though my faith had diminished to the size of a mustard seed, God changed my thought pattern instantly. I couldn't proceed with the act of suicide because I loved myself too much and I didn't want my family to hurt. I was totally displeased with my personal life circumstances, but I discovered some semblance of (self) worth.

As much as I like to keep a record of my writing, I cannot share the exact words of my letter. I held on to it for several years, but I decided to shred it because keeping a tangible reminder of the Malkia of Spring 2003 was unhealthy and unnecessary. Memories of the time I spent living in Jefferson City, Missouri are desolate. Yet, I praise God because I actually have memories. I am A-L-I-V-E to admit that: Life is Challenging. Life is good. Life is abundant. I know God is ever-present from my hell to my win!

Dear God:

I make intercession for people struggling with suicidal thoughts. A variety of issues--abuse, addiction, adversity, anger, anxiety, bitterness, bullying, depression, discrimination, disease, financial burdens, guilt, heartache, loneliness, racism, sexism, shame--give way to self-destructive thoughts. Somebody has wrestled with suicidal thoughts for years, months, weeks, days. For the person positioned in isolation, I pray against the mental strongholds trying to overpower their knowledge of You and Jesus' sufficient grace. (2 Corinthians 10:5, NIV; 2 Corinthians 12:9, NIV). Send them a divine message via twitter, television/online programming, telephone, song, letter, greeting card, facebook and/or e-mail. For the person wearing the scars of attempts 1 through 5, I pray they seek professional help and take advantage of preventative measures. Create a supportive network comprised of compassionate, empathetic and prayerful people to surround them as they take steps to heal. Convince them that self-inflicted wounds are not a viable solution, and help them learn that they have already been healed by Jesus' wounds. (1 Peter 2:24). I pray for people who have forgotten their value--move them from a state of misery to a place of hope. I intercede for the person who has no faith, bargaining for deliverance from their affliction--in the name of Jesus, I pray for an instant intervention and I ask that You implant a good seed of belief in their spirit.

O Lord, for the survivors coping with the loss of a loved one, I ask that You massage their hearts with comforting hands. Their grief is debilitating and they are trying to comprehend the reasons for such a departure. Someone is wailing:

WHY?!

I could have prevented this from happening!

WHY?!

How come they didn't talk to me?

WHY?!

I could've fixed the problem!

WHY?!

Why did they abandon me?

WHY?!

Their eyes are dim because of sorrow and affliction. Lord, they call upon You daily; they spread forth their hands to You, asking WHY?! (Psalm 88:9, AMP). In the name of Jesus, I ask that You keep their faculties intact because it's likely that WHY?! will rattle their brains for days, weeks, months and years. Relieve any pressure they've put on themselves, owning the blame for the departure of their loved one. When they are restless, cradle them in Your tender-loving arms and rock them to sleep. When they are in need of a sounding board, dispatch their genuine friends to their locale. When they are ready to seek professional help, lead them to an agency that will offer empathetic, insightful, and loving support. When their faith begins to dwindle, give them the energy and strength to reach up to You in prayer.

Lord, as difficult as it's been to write this testimony, I pray that my authentic and transparent expression of this particular trial gives hope to someone in desperate need of a win. Let this message serve as a record "for the generation yet unborn, that a people yet to be created shall praise" You. For You look down from the height of Your sanctuary, from heaven You behold the earth, and hear the sighing and groaning of people in need of Your help. (Psalm 102:18-20, AMP).

In the name of Jesus Christ...AMEN.

The cords of death entangled me, the anguish of the grave came over me; I was overcome by distress and sorrow. Then I called on the name of the LORD: "LORD, save me!" (Psalm 116:3-4, NIV).

HELPFUL RESOURCES FOR SUICIDE PREVENTION & SURVIVORS OF SUICIDE

• American Foundation for Suicide Prevention, www.afsp.org
• Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention
• Mayo Clinic, www.mayoclinic.com