THE VALLEY - Chapter Two

Turn to me and be gracious to me, for I am lonely and afflicted. Relieve the troubles of my heart and free me from my anguish. (Psalm 25:16-17, NIV).

From Spring 1999 to Spring 2003, I lived in Missouri's capital city. During that four-year timeframe I accomplished great things professionally, scholastically & community-wise. However, my personal life was terribly lonely and I felt miserable. My closest friends were miles away. I had to drive 2 hours to get to the nearest metropolis (and international airport). The social scene for a twenty-something single in Jefferson City was mundane. The dating pool was the size of a puddle. When it was feasible, I took advantage of every opportunity to escape small town USA.

By Spring 2003 I loathed living in Jefferson City, Missouri. I became so disgusted with my personal life that I spiraled into a deep depression. I hated going to work. I hated going to church. I hated going to sorority meetings. I hated doing community service. I hated talking on the phone. I hated life. I hated my existence. Life in Missouri was M-I-S-E-R-Y!

Loneliness wrecked my outlook so much that I desired to end my life. I no longer wanted to breathe. I'd look at paintings and wish I was an inanimate object whose sole purpose was to beautify an empty space on a wall. I preferred dying prematurely than having to live one more day in a godforsaken town with limited social outlets. I strongly believed that any progressive twenty-something single would:

• feel melancholy not being able to fellowship with close friends on a routine basis;
• be miserable shopping at a mall whose name was Mall; and
• feel dejected being able to count on 1 hand the number of singles available to date.

I knew moving to Jefferson City would be a lifestyle adjustment. But, I figured having familial roots there would help me acclimate. Having survived 4 years in Jefferson City didn't matter at my lowest point. I was prepared to die if the opportunity to permanently move away from a state of Missouri didn't reveal itself posthaste.

My life was challenging because loneliness triggered destructive thoughts of hopelessness. My heart was so troubled that I actually believed suicide was a sensible solution to my anguish.

Unbeknownst to me, life was good in the midst of my turmoil. When loneliness engulfed me, I read God's Promises For Your Every Need, and sought comfort in the scriptures focused on What To Do When You Feel Lonely and What To Do When You Feel Depressed:

• Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness. (Isaiah 41:10, KJV).
• I will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you. (John 14:18, KJV).
• The righteous cry, and the LORD heareth, and delivereth them out of all their troubles. (Psalm 34:17, KJV).

While I was hell-bent on taking my life, God (through the Holy Word) was unrelenting about saving my life.

Life is abundant because I'm alive today to share my testimony. My first and only suicide attempt occurred on a Saturday afternoon. Sobbing intermittedly, I sat down on my staircase and proofread the letter to my family. Before I could figure out the method of my demise, my thoughts were befuddled.

Where should I...?

How should I...?

What will this do to my family?

Today, I have no doubt that the Holy Spirit intervened within a matter of seconds on that Saturday afternoon. Though my faith had diminished to the size of a mustard seed, God changed my thought pattern instantly. I couldn't proceed with the act of suicide because I loved myself too much and I didn't want my family to hurt. I was totally displeased with my personal life circumstances, but I discovered some semblance of (self) worth.

As much as I like to keep a record of my writing, I cannot share the exact words of my letter. I held on to it for several years, but I decided to shred it because keeping a tangible reminder of the Malkia of Spring 2003 was unhealthy and unnecessary. Memories of the time I spent living in Jefferson City, Missouri are desolate. Yet, I praise God because I actually have memories. I am A-L-I-V-E to admit that: Life is Challenging. Life is good. Life is abundant. I know God is ever-present from my hell to my win!

Dear God:

I make intercession for people struggling with suicidal thoughts. A variety of issues--abuse, addiction, adversity, anger, anxiety, bitterness, bullying, depression, discrimination, disease, financial burdens, guilt, heartache, loneliness, racism, sexism, shame--give way to self-destructive thoughts. Somebody has wrestled with suicidal thoughts for years, months, weeks, days. For the person positioned in isolation, I pray against the mental strongholds trying to overpower their knowledge of You and Jesus' sufficient grace. (2 Corinthians 10:5, NIV; 2 Corinthians 12:9, NIV). Send them a divine message via twitter, television/online programming, telephone, song, letter, greeting card, facebook and/or e-mail. For the person wearing the scars of attempts 1 through 5, I pray they seek professional help and take advantage of preventative measures. Create a supportive network comprised of compassionate, empathetic and prayerful people to surround them as they take steps to heal. Convince them that self-inflicted wounds are not a viable solution, and help them learn that they have already been healed by Jesus' wounds. (1 Peter 2:24). I pray for people who have forgotten their value--move them from a state of misery to a place of hope. I intercede for the person who has no faith, bargaining for deliverance from their affliction--in the name of Jesus, I pray for an instant intervention and I ask that You implant a good seed of belief in their spirit.

O Lord, for the survivors coping with the loss of a loved one, I ask that You massage their hearts with comforting hands. Their grief is debilitating and they are trying to comprehend the reasons for such a departure. Someone is wailing:

WHY?!

I could have prevented this from happening!

WHY?!

How come they didn't talk to me?

WHY?!

I could've fixed the problem!

WHY?!

Why did they abandon me?

WHY?!

Their eyes are dim because of sorrow and affliction. Lord, they call upon You daily; they spread forth their hands to You, asking WHY?! (Psalm 88:9, AMP). In the name of Jesus, I ask that You keep their faculties intact because it's likely that WHY?! will rattle their brains for days, weeks, months and years. Relieve any pressure they've put on themselves, owning the blame for the departure of their loved one. When they are restless, cradle them in Your tender-loving arms and rock them to sleep. When they are in need of a sounding board, dispatch their genuine friends to their locale. When they are ready to seek professional help, lead them to an agency that will offer empathetic, insightful, and loving support. When their faith begins to dwindle, give them the energy and strength to reach up to You in prayer.

Lord, as difficult as it's been to write this testimony, I pray that my authentic and transparent expression of this particular trial gives hope to someone in desperate need of a win. Let this message serve as a record "for the generation yet unborn, that a people yet to be created shall praise" You. For You look down from the height of Your sanctuary, from heaven You behold the earth, and hear the sighing and groaning of people in need of Your help. (Psalm 102:18-20, AMP).

In the name of Jesus Christ...AMEN.

The cords of death entangled me, the anguish of the grave came over me; I was overcome by distress and sorrow. Then I called on the name of the LORD: "LORD, save me!" (Psalm 116:3-4, NIV).

HELPFUL RESOURCES FOR SUICIDE PREVENTION & SURVIVORS OF SUICIDE

• American Foundation for Suicide Prevention, www.afsp.org
• Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention
• Mayo Clinic, www.mayoclinic.com

STANDING IN A HOSTILE WORKPLACE

"But blessed is the man who trusts me, God, the woman who sticks with God. They're like trees replanted in Eden, putting down roots near the rivers—never a worry through the hottest of summers, never dropping a leaf, serene and calm through droughts, bearing fresh fruit every season.” (Jeremiah 17:7-8, MSG).

The first time I encountered a hostile work environment, I consulted my attorney and filed a formal grievance.  The second time I encountered a hostile work environment, I consulted myself and quit my job.  The third time I encountered a hostile work environment, I consulted God.

I know all too well what it means to loathe my profession, job responsibilities, bosses and coworkers.  As a Christian, I am called to LOVE, not loathe.  The energy involved in loathing is draining, numbing and self-destructive.  Having learned from my first and second encounters, I knew consulting God was the right thing to do when havoc broke loose in the workplace a third time.

Following is a detailed account of my third encounter in a hostile workplace.  Three instances moved me to trust in Hashem (The Name)—“the holy God who dwells in our midst, hearing and answering our prayers.”  (Spangler, Ann.  Praying the Names of God.  Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 2004.).  Three coping mechanisms confirmed my trust in Hashem.  And, three reactions demonstrated my love for Hashem.

INSTANCE #1
Wednesday, November 18, 2009, approximately 3:43am

Unfortunately, sometimes we have to deal with bigots and simpletons in life.  I woke up this morning frustrated about a professional matter and I prayed Psalm 35 (The Message translation).  When I arrived to my desk part of the answer to my prayer was my inability to Log In on my computer.  Another answer is that I can visibly see that my Enemy has been caught in the trap intended for me.

INSTANCE #2
Date Unknown, approximately 12:40pm (lunch hour)

3 of us (me, KJ and my Enemy) were dining in the office break room when my Enemy spoke a racial epithet and justified the statement with a second ignorant remark.  From the soles of my feet to the top of my locs, my blood curdled.  I asked God to keep me still and calm until 1:00pm, as I repeated Isaiah 26:3 in my head:

Thou wilt keep her in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee: because she trusteth in thee.

As soon as I returned to my desk, I called my prayer partner and told her: “I can’t go into details, but you need to pray for me right now!”

INSTANCE #3
Tuesday, February 23, 2010, 9:43am

I received the following e-mail from my Enemy:

Subject: Please stock the fridge with caffeine-free Diet Coke

I was able to cope with the Enemy in my workplace because I kept a “heavenly perspective” and trusted God to be my Defender.  Three scriptures helped me maintain my sanity and sustain my serenity:

1. Psalm 35:4-8, MSG;
2. Proverbs 2:12, NIV; and
3. 1 Samuel 24:12-13, NIV.

COPING MECHANISM #1
Monday, November 16, 2009, approximately 4:30pm

When my Enemy asked me to type numerous pages of her handwritten notes, at the end of her workday, because she wasn’t a fast typist, I looked at her with a side-eye.

Seriously?! How is it that you’re not a fast typist, but you were hired because you’re a proficient blogger?!

It was easy for me to discern that my Enemy was conniving and thought I could not complete the transcribing task by her Wednesday, November 18, 2009 deadline.  Yet, I stayed in the office on Tuesday evening to finish the transcription of notes.  What my Enemy failed to take into account was the fact that some of her handwriting was illegible, so she had to hurriedly fill in numerous blanks within the transcript on Wednesday morning because she was due in court by 1:00pm.

When those thugs try to knife me in the back, make them look foolish. Frustrate all those who are plotting my downfall. Make them like cinders in a high wind, with God's angel working the bellows. Make their road lightless and mud-slick, with God's angel on their tails. Out of sheer cussedness they set a trap to catch me; for no good reason they dug a ditch to stop me. Surprise them with your ambush—catch them in the very trap they set, the disaster they planned for me. (Psalm 35:4-8, MSG).

COPING MECHANISM #2
Unknown Date, Approximately 12:40pm (lunch hour)

When my Enemy uttered the racial epithet in the office break room with ease, I knew she was dangerous.  Although, she did not make derogatory remarks about the African race, her remarks were obscene.  It was safe for me to assume that my Enemy’s opprobrious conduct could reoccur at any time.

Wisdom saved me from the way of a wicked woman, from a woman whose words were perverse. (Proverbs 2:12, NIV).

Though her remarks infuriated me, I stayed seated at the dining table because I did not want my Enemy to visibly see how her words rattled me.  I actually managed to convey in a peaceful tone of voice that her remarks were offensive.

COPING MECHANISM #3
Tuesday, February 23, 2010, 9:43am

When my Enemy sent me the one-liner e-mail asking me to stock the office refrigerator with her preferred beverage, I knew she bumped her head and thought my name changed to Kizzy.

Considering the previous attacks, I recognized my Enemy as being onerous and a bigot.  This third attack proved to me that she was an absolute fool!  All 14 people in our office know where the beverages are stored, so she could have easily obtained her own drink.

Again, I relied on the Word of the LORD to sustain my serenity:

May the LORD judge between you and me. And may the LORD avenge the wrongs you have done to me, but my hand will not touch you. As the old saying goes, ‘From evildoers come evil deeds,’ so my hand will not touch you. (1 Samuel 24:12-13, NIV).

Reflecting on my weeklong study of The Name, I realized that my reactions to the aforementioned instances demonstrated my love for Hashem.  According to Ann Spangler, “Loving God’s name mean upholding his reputation by reflecting his character, by trusting him, and by praying in a way that acknowledges his nature—that he is full of power, love, goodness, and faithfulness.”

REACTION #1
Wednesday, November 18, 2009, 9am-12pm

I know from my study of Proverbs that I should not “gloat when my enemy falls;” when my enemy stumbles, my heart should not rejoice.  (Proverbs 24:17, NIV).  I simply acknowledge God’s sovereignty and take notice of how God answers my prayers.

• I completed the task of transcribing voluminous handwritten notes to the best of my ability on the evening of Tuesday, November 17, 2009. 
• Although my computer wasn’t functioning properly at 9am, I still offered to help my Enemy with her task because I knew she had to be in court at 1:00pm. 
• When my computer resumed its normal function, I continued to offer assistance with numbering the transcript line by line.

WINNING RESULT

I received this one-liner e-mail from my Enemy:

Subject: Thank you for your help today.

Date: Wednesday, November 18, 2009 3:47PM

REACTION #2
1 day after the break room incident, Approximately 9:00am-11:30am

I explained to both of my bosses, in separate conversations, that I would no longer dine with their employee (my coworker & Enemy).

Since 2006, I’ve enjoyed my work and my work environment.  When I step through the office door, I uphold the reputation of a law firm that represents people of all ethnicities.  Not until yesterday did I hear a representative of this firm use a racially offensive term.  I don’t care what folks say outside of my presence, outside of this office, but I will not tolerate such revolting behavior in my workplace.  It is safe for me to assume that this employee will make an offensive comment about my ethnicity and we will have a problem.  Hence, my future lunch hours will be serene and calm, and free of their employee’s presence.

WINNING RESULTS

• My employers listened to my concerns. 
• My employers respected my decision. 
• My Enemy’s mouth was kept shut from speaking to me from that day forward, except for entertaining professional discussions.

REACTION #3

Tuesday, February 23, 2010, 9:54am-1:30pm

43 minutes into my workday and I received a ridiculous request.  The one-liner e-mail was so absurd I had to forward it to 2 people:

1. KJ, my lunch mate, friend and receptionist for the firm we share office space with; and 
2. Patricia, my prayer partner.

The e-mail I sent to KJ stated:

Date: Tuesday, February 23, 2010 9:54AM

Subject: FW: Please stock the fridge with caffeine-free Diet Coke.

UNBELIEVEABLE!!  Let’s see how long it takes me to complete this task.

The e-mail I sent to Patricia stated:
Simply because this is Malkia’s designated week for kitchen duty, I guess she thought it was appropriate to send this message to me?!  UNBELIEVABLE!

By 1:00pm my employers asked me to meet with them.  Somehow, my bosses found out about the senseless e-mail.  They asked me how I felt about the message.  Essentially, I explained that I interpreted the e-mail as laughable.

At this point, her antics are so ludicrous, it’s a waste of energy and time to respond to her foolishness because I have to complete important tasks for the both of you.  If she thought I was going to step away from my desk to put some caffeine-free Diet Coke in the refrigerator, she thought wrong—NOT TODAY!

One of my employers even suggested I speak to my Enemy, in an effort to help her understand that her request was inappropriate.  My response:

JESUS CAN HELP HER!

WINNING RESULTS

• My employers actually care about my well-being. 
• I was able to share my authentic feelings and thoughts with my employers.

Life is challenging because the workplace can be hostile.  The Enemy can show up on the job in various forms (i.e., manager, coworker, client) and “delight in doing wrong and rejoice in the perverseness of evil.”  (Proverbs 2:14, NIV).  Life is good because I can consult the Word of God and refer to the life of David to learn how to stand in a hostile work environment.  Life is abundant because when I submit myself to God and resist the Enemy, the Enemy flees; when I draw near to God, God draws near to me!  (James 4:7-8, NIV).

Dear God:

I love Your name.  I praise Your name.  I respect Your name.  “Your name, O LORD, endures forever, your renown, O LORD, through all generations.”  (Psalm 135:13, NIV).

Like David, I am not afraid to come to You and express my authentic feelings and needs.  (Psalm 54:3, 4, NIV Application Notes).  Like David, when I asked You to repay evil to my Enemy, I simply stated my confidence in Your promise to fight my battles. (Psalm 54:5, NIV Application Notes).

Enduring unwarranted mistreatment is not a foreign concept to me, so when the Enemy showed up in my current workplace, I willingly turned the entire matter over to You.  The moment I prayed The Message translation of Psalm 35, I put all of my hope in your Word and trusted You to be my Defender.  (Psalm 119:114, NIV).

O LORD, I consulted You because if it were up to me to resolve my dealings with the Enemy, I would have lost my job a year ago.  Although I have never been an advocate of violence, my Enemy’s words and behavior were worthy of 2 beat downs in the break room.  For nearly 2 years, I have endured unwarranted mistreatment from my Enemy.  O LORD, You know how many times I’ve sat at my desk and given myself the same pep talk in order to cope with my Enemy--I’ve had to remind myself of 3 things on a frequent basis:

1. It is a foreign concept for me to intentionally mistreat others;
2. It is a foreign concept for me to operate like a sphincter; and
3. It is a foreign concept for me to function at the maturity level of a zygote.

When I was on the verge of rendering a break room beat down, I reminded myself that I did not have to lose my favor, integrity and peace over someone whose path was crooked and whose ways were devious.  (Proverbs 2:15, NIV).

If it’s possible, it’s a natural occurrence for me to “live at peace with everyone.”  (Romans 12:18, NIV).  However, I must admit that I did not leave room for Your wrath after Instance #3.  (Romans 12:19, NIV).  Two days later, during my lunch hour, I shook up 4 cans of caffeine-free Diet Coke and placed them in the refrigerator door.  I did notice that my Enemy entered the break room and retrieved something from the refrigerator, but because my back was turned I was not aware of the item she retrieved.  I was certain she picked up one of the agitated cans when she returned to the break room to gather several paper towels off the spindle.  The rumble of paper towels coming off the roll was so sweet.  As that instance granted comic relief, forgive me, O LORD, for taking pleasure in vengeance.

When I review the past 2 years with "spiritual" eyes:

• my Enemy's office has always been situated down the hall from me and my bosses--like a detachment;
• my Enemy's mouth has been kept shut from speaking to me;
• my bosses never cease to ask me about my well-being;
• childbirth was the means for the temporary removal of my Enemy from the workplace; and
• acceptance of a new job was the means for the permanent removal of my Enemy from the workplace.

O LORD, I intercede for every person that encounters a hostile workplace.  Somebody dreads walking in the office doorway because the Enemy is poised to attack.  Somebody self-medicates because the Enemy’s antics prompt tension headaches.  Somebody can’t relax because their teeth are clinched, their neck is stiff, and their shoulders are tight.  Somebody is scheduling weekly therapy sessions to talk about their troubles.  Somebody is physically sick from having to share their workspace with the Enemy.  Somebody can’t rest peacefully because they’re fighting the Enemy in their sleep.  Somebody is millimeters away from committing a break room beat down.  Before they’re “overcome by evil” let them meditate on your Word.  (Romans 12:21, NIV).  If they can only speak one word, let them speak The Name, Hashem!

I am a living witness that your Word works!

If I stick with You, O God…

If I stand upright like that replanted tree in Eden…

I don’t have to worry about the heat from all the hell the Enemy raises.  I never have to stoop to the level of the Enemy.  I can have perfect peace in the midst of a hostile workplace.  I can bear the fresh fruit of the Spirit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.  (Galatians 5:22-23, NIV).

I can shout “God always wins!”

In the name of Jesus Christ...AMEN.

I will praise you forever for what you have done; in your name I will hope, for your name is good. I will praise you in the presence of your saints. (Psalm 52:9, NIV).